Bless me Readers for I have sinned. It has been a lifetime since my last confession. These are my sins:
I am guilty of...lawn watering.
About a year ago I ran across an online news article that encouraged people to confess their green sins. Some of the sarcasm in the comments was inspired. Some of the narcissism in the comments was depressing so it was one of the more even handed articles/discussions that I've read.
Yesterday morning I was reading through the local newsrag when I stumbled across a column on how to water your lawn in an environmentally friendly/responsible way. Being somewhat rational I snorted and ignored the column and continued looking for the real estate supplement to review housing prices.
Apparently the proper way to water your lawn is to put a tuna can on your lawn and turn the lawn sprinkler on until the tuna can has an inch of water in it, once a week. Instead of liberally hosing it down like I did last night and the night before, and the night before... Given that I didn't read the article you're likely wondering how I know that. Well some busybody of a neighbor decided to helpfully let me know last night.
No I didn't tell her to eff off.
I know you're surprised, I was too. I didn't spray her with the hose either, although the temptation was great.
Instead I asked her if she was a vegetarian. Disconcerted by the apparent non sequitur she stammered out an affirmative.
So I asked her, "How would you feel if I walked into your kitchen and told you that you were required to eat meat in accordance with the Canada Food Guide?"
She was slightly indignant and threw in a pout for good measure. This grasshopper showed promise. I didn't even have to ask a leading question to get her in the right frame of mind.
Her response was, "Vegetarianism is a personal choice!"
"So is watering your lawn and thank you for respecting other people's personal choices as you expect them to respect your choice of vegetarianism, now sod off"
From the way she stalked away she didn't understand the argument.
Or the pun.
My sins are truly forgiven and now I go in peace. My penance will be to cut the grass...repeatedly...as in twice a week...maybe I shouldn't have used that fertilizer...not too mention the runoff from the flower bed which I also fertilized...with manure in contravention of the city by-laws...
I should add that if we weren't selling the house I wouldn't be watering the lawn. I'm not really what you would called a lawnista. In the spirit of this post I would like to refer you to the mostly unrelated post on Bishop Hill's blog: http://bishophill.squarespace.com/blog/2010/5/28/the-question-of-gosselin.html
Please show your outrage in the comments.